


Searching, Found

by quilfish_swan



Series: Closer (Sakura/Sasuke post-war one-shots) [4]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Happy Ending, Internal Conflict, Kinda cringey maybe? Sorry, Naruto is cute in the background, POV Uchiha Sasuke, Traumatized Uchiha Sasuke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 08:48:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25468021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quilfish_swan/pseuds/quilfish_swan
Summary: Love and hate are sometimes so blurred in Sasuke's mind, and it’s never scared him until now. He can’t tell attraction apart from a desire to fight. He no longer differentiates excitement from fear. The burning in his chest, the flutter in his stomach, the quickening of his heart rate, the rush of adrenaline—it’s all the same. (He knows there must be a difference, but he doesn’t know how to begin to tell.)Who does he love? Does he love anyone?
Relationships: Haruno Sakura/Uchiha Sasuke, Hyuuga Hinata/Uzumaki Naruto (background), Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto
Series: Closer (Sakura/Sasuke post-war one-shots) [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1843336
Comments: 12
Kudos: 64





	Searching, Found

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if this is super cringey, I just needed to write one feelsy Sasuke POV thing to wrap up these drabbles!! I’m really interested in how Sasuke’s trauma affected how he views love and romance.
> 
> Enjoy!!

_She loves you so much._

Sometimes on their days in the village together, he’ll just stare at her, hoping, wishing he could return her feelings. (She’s beautiful—he thinks that often, though it’s never been important to him.) The word _love_ is frequently on his mind when he’s with her.

As they sip tea under the shade of table umbrellas, he’s swimming in his thoughts.

Love and hate are sometimes so blurred in Sasuke's mind, and it’s never scared him until now. He can’t tell attraction apart from a desire to fight. He no longer differentiates excitement from fear. The burning in his chest, the fluttering in his stomach, the quickening of his heart rate, the rush of adrenaline—it’s all the same. (He knows there _must_ be a difference, but he doesn’t know how to begin to tell.)

Who does he love? Does he love anyone?

He thinks of Itachi, the one he thought he loved, perhaps, most in the whole world, and all he feels is the ache of betrayal, the intoxication of vengeance, the knife of regret. It’s inseparable from their innocent childhood days. Surely all of that can’t be love. And yet, he _knows_ he loved Itachi. If he didn’t _love_ him, then… what?

When he thinks of his parents, he knows only indescribable longing. Sadness. Anger, sometimes. Wishing _so badly_ they could come back. That must mean he loved them, so then is longing itself love? It’s definitely powerful, but it doesn’t feel _good._ And he doesn’t feel that way about his friends who are still alive, still with him. 

When he thinks of Naruto, he’s certain he must love him. He’s the embodiment of light, someone who saved him from darkness, and Sasuke is eternally grateful to him. Naruto may be the only person who has truly and deeply understood his pain, and that draws Sasuke to him. That must be love. Other strong feelings, like the thrill of rivalry, the desire to prove their worth to themselves and to each other, have paved the road of their friendship. He used to think that was _hate_ , but could it have been love, all along?

What is it, then, when there’s no pain, no revenge, no sadness, no longing, no trauma, no need to prove, no desire to fight? What is love, when separated from all of that?

Is that what he feels for Sakura? 

_She loves you so much._

(Naruto was the one who had told him that one afternoon in Sasuke’s apartment, when the topic of their former teammate had come up as the two of them talked. Sasuke was sure his friend hadn’t meant for it to spark a conversation, but that rather it’d just come into his head, and he’d said it without thinking, as he does so often. 

Still, it lingered in Sasuke’s mind, and he didn’t want to drop the subject right away.

Instead of responding directly, he’d asked, “How did you know you loved Hinata?” Naruto was married and surely had to know what love was.

“I don’t know, y’know?” he’d said, scratching his head. “It’s like, when I look at her, it’s like I know we’d do anything for each other. Like, I’d die for her, and she’d do the same for me. We have lots of fun together. And also, I wanna kiss her, y’know?” Of course, he’d followed it up with, “What an embarrassing thing to ask, Sasuke!” and then whacked him in the face with a couch pillow, but his answer stuck with him nonetheless.)

Sakura had confessed the fact to him herself only once since the end of the war, that she loved him and always would. He had grown so used to the idea that he’d accepted the statement without fully pondering what it actually meant. 

It couldn’t possibly mean the obsession of her childhood and teen days, the way she’d chased and trailed him without hardly knowing him. Sakura isn’t that way anymore; one day he realized that she no longer blushed every time he spoke to her, or tried to touch him at any chance she got, or cried when he left the village on missions. 

But she was still always there, especially when he’d needed her. 

He has confided in her on more than one occasion, and she’s listened, comforted him; he’s told her some things that even Naruto doesn’t know. They've forgiven each other for the things they've done and regretted. She’s always the one he asks to come with him when he wants to leave the village and clear his mind. Maybe that’s love. Forgiveness. A confidant. A companion. 

(He doesn’t know what to do but compare her to his own mother, the only other woman he’s loved in his life. His mother had been soft-spoken and kind, gentle, like salve on wounds, cool water to calm his fire.

Sakura is like water, too, but warm and raging—unwieldy and fierce and comforting all at once. He finds himself wanting to protect her, all while knowing that she doesn’t really need it.

He feels alive when he’s with her, but safe, too; maybe that is love.)

“Are you alright?” She’s looking at him, concern in her face and voice.

“Sakura, you love me… right?”

She blinks.

“Yes, Sasuke, I love you.”

“What does that mean? How do you know?”

“Well…” She puts a finger on her chin in contemplation. “I guess it means that I want you to be happy. I would sacrifice to protect you. I want to be near you, and I’m happy when I’m with you.”

Those things are true about all of his friends—his _family—_ that he’d found in Team 7, Sakura included.

“Is it still… a romantic love?”

“What’s this, all of a sudden?” she laughs. But she must’ve sensed the seriousness in his tone, because she still answers thoughtfully. “I don’t know. Yes and no. If the opportunity arose, then, I suppose, yes. Absolutely. But I just want to be by your side, in whatever way that you need or want. I’m your friend before anything else.”

He’s enjoyed having Sakura by his side, too. What is the difference, then, between love and romance? Is it purely physical? Emotional? Or a vague, all-encompassing something-else?

Her words turn in his mind over the weeks. He decides that he loves her as a friend at the very least, but in the pit of his stomach, he wonders if there _is_ something more.

He kisses her, hoping that then he’ll feel it, that it will feel _right_. 

He likes it. (But does he _feel_ it?)

He tries it again. He likes it again, a lot. And it makes her look so _happy,_ and that makes him happy, too, so he doesn’t stop. 

He doesn't stop, but maybe he should, because truthfully, he _still_ doesn’t know, but she’s so _happy,_ and he certainly feels _something._ Then she’s pregnant, and he’s ashamed of himself because he’s still unsure.

It’s only as he cares for her throughout the next nine months that he realizes that he’s been searching for some kind of grand sign, feeling, _something_ that may not even exist. 

The relationship they’ve settled into isn’t wild, dramatic, or unpredictable. He’s not constantly feeling every conceivable emotion at maximum capacity, like he’d grown accustomed to in every other kind of bond he’s ever had.

It’s slow, soft. Ordinary. Healthy. 

As he rubs her back, and cooks, and gets her strange food in the middle of the night, and holds her hair back over the toilet, he realizes with everlasting relief that he’s not just doing it out of responsibility. He’s doing it because he loves her. He thinks he has loved her with that _something more_ for a long while now. And when he sees the baby, _their_ baby, in her arms, he’s finally sure that he knows. 

He’s overcome with admiration, blown away by Sakura’s strength, and he _loves_ her, deeply and purely and simply. In a moment of clarity, he knows that he would do anything for her, anything for their daughter.

He can’t tear his eyes away from the sight of his family. _His family._ Tenderly, he touches the top of their child’s head, and then leans to plant a soft kiss on her dark hair.

His eyes meet Sakura’s. Overwhelmed with a warm, calm, tingling sensation in his chest, she looks _so beautiful,_ and he pulls her close to him.

“I love you, Sakura,” he whispers, and he means it.

**Author's Note:**

> This concludes my SasuSaku journey for now! These two are now very close to my heart :)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!!! :)
> 
> Some things that inspired parts of this one:  
> \- [This](https://eruvadhril.tumblr.com/post/622967608733532160/missmentelle-im-going-to-tell-you-a-secret-that/amp) post gave me some insight about relationship trauma  
> \- Also, the line about Sasuke getting Sakura weird food in the middle of the night was totally inspired by [this](https://tenyai.tumblr.com/post/124038778722/guilt-trippinadmittedly-sakura-probably) Tenyai comic :P
> 
> Also happy birthday, Sasuke! :)


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